raquelplankAs a relationship consultant working with couples, I’ve seen the same patterns play out over and over again.
Last week I called you out and said that you were the reason your relationships were failing. This week I’m going to take it a step further.
The truth is, most relationships fail not because of a lack of love, but because of a lack of honesty—both with each other and ourselves. Today, I’m going to break down some uncomfortable truths about relationships that most people don’t want to admit. This might be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s necessary if you want to stop the downward spiral and start building a relationship that truly works.
1. You’re Settling Because You’re Afraid of Being Alone
We all have that friend or relative who seems to constantly be in a relationship. If you can’t think of that friend or relative right now, it might be you. They move from one relationship to another, without spending time on their own in between.
Let’s start with the biggest elephant in the room: settling. Many people stay in mediocre relationships because they are terrified of being alone. They convince themselves that being with someone, anyone, is better than facing the discomfort of solitude. This fear is so ingrained that it shapes every decision they make in their relationships, from whom they choose to be with to how they navigate conflict. Settling means you’re living a half-life, not giving yourself the chance to find someone who truly complements and challenges you.
Settling also means you are not receiving the love and attention you deserve.
This might be a bit of tangit but I think it is so interesting the rhetoric we flood people with when they are single. For whatever reason, people seriously believe that their pickings are somehow diminished because they are overweight, unemployed, a single parent, disabled, etc. Whatever reason you’ve been telling yourself that you can’t or won’t find love is a lie. When you are open to accepting the right kind of love, and not settling for anything less, you will find your person.
If you’re in a relationship right now, ask yourself: Are you truly happy, or are you just afraid of what might happen if you’re alone? Are you with your partner because you love them, or because you fear the alternative? This isn’t just about romantic love; it’s about self-love and the respect you owe to yourself to find a partnership that is mutually fulfilling.
2. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic
We live in a world filled with unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should look like. From romantic comedies to social media influencers who only show the highlights of their “perfect” relationships, we’ve been brainwashed to believe that relationships should be effortless, full of constant passion, and free from conflict. This is a fantasy. Read that again. It is a fantasy!
Real relationships require work, compromise, and—brace yourself—sometimes they’re downright boring. Expecting your partner to fulfill every need, to always be exciting, or to solve your personal issues is a recipe for disaster. A healthy relationship is not about two halves making a whole; it’s about two whole beings making something even greater together. Lower your expectations, not in terms of quality or respect, but in terms of perfection. Perfect is the enemy of good.
This one is hard because I just said I don’t want you to settle. However, I also don’t want you pining over a fairytale. Relationships in media have heightened drama and passion to entertain viewers. Your relationship doesn’t need an audience and certainly doesn’t need added drama.
3. You’re Not as Honest as You Think You Are
Honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, yet so many couples struggle with it. We often think of honesty as just not lying, but it goes much deeper than that. Real honesty means being open about your needs, your fears, and your disappointments. It means speaking up when something bothers you instead of letting resentment build. It means admitting when you’re wrong and being willing to change. Oof. That last one is hard for a lot of folks. So many times when we are wrong we find ourselves getting defensive and maybe even digging our heels in. Admitting when we’re wrong and being open to change is essential in cultivating healthy relationships.
Most people avoid real honesty because it’s uncomfortable. It requires vulnerability, which is something many of us have been conditioned to avoid. We fear rejection, conflict, and emotional pain. But here’s the harsh truth: avoiding honesty is like putting a bandage over a festering wound. It might hide the problem temporarily, but eventually, it will become too painful to ignore.
4. You’re Avoiding Conflict Instead of Resolving It
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. However, the way couples handle conflict can make or break the relationship. Many people avoid conflict because they are afraid of rocking the boat, but avoiding conflict is one of the most damaging things you can do. When you avoid conflict, you’re not actually avoiding the problem; you’re just letting it fester under the surface until it explodes in ways that are often destructive.
Healthy conflict resolution is about learning to argue constructively, where both parties feel heard and understood. It’s about finding solutions rather than assigning blame. It’s about understanding that the goal of conflict isn’t to win, but to strengthen the relationship by addressing underlying issues. If you’re constantly avoiding conflict, you’re avoiding the growth and intimacy that comes from working through challenges together.
5. You Don’t Truly Know Your Partner
It’s astonishing how many couples live together for years and still don’t truly know each other. They know each other’s habits, routines, and preferences, but they don’t know each other’s deepest fears, dreams, and insecurities. This lack of deep understanding often leads to miscommunication, unmet expectations, and, ultimately, emotional disconnection.
If you want a lasting relationship, you need to be willing to dig deeper. You need to ask the tough questions and be genuinely interested in your partner’s inner world. This isn’t a one-time task but an ongoing process that requires time, patience, and commitment. Knowing your partner at a deep level fosters empathy, connection, and true partnership.
I have put together a little guide to help increase intimacy by focusing on conversational questions to get to know your partner better. You can get your copy here.
6. You’re Not Prioritizing Your Relationship
In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to let your relationship take a back seat to work, hobbies, friends, and even social media. But if you’re not actively prioritizing your relationship, you’re essentially letting it die a slow death. Relationships require time and effort to flourish. This means regular date nights, open communication, shared experiences, and sometimes, difficult conversations.
You need to make your relationship a priority, not just in words but in actions. This means setting boundaries with work, turning off the TV or putting down your phone, and being fully present with your partner. It’s about recognizing that the health of your relationship is one of the most important factors in your overall happiness and well-being.
7. You Think Love Is Enough
The Beatles might not have had it all figured out with “All You Need Is Love.” The most damaging myth about relationships is that love is enough. Love is a wonderful, essential foundation for a relationship, but it is not enough to sustain it. Love is really characterized by the release of oxytocin in our brains. Relationships require more than just oxytocin. They require trust, respect, communication, and effort. They require the willingness to grow both individually and as a couple. They require the courage to face uncomfortable truths and the determination to keep working on them. The success of your relationship is necessitated by your actions after the oxytocin wears off.
If you’re relying solely on love to carry your relationship, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Love is the starting point, not the destination. It’s the motivation to keep going, even when things get tough, but it’s not a free pass that will magically solve all your problems.
Time to Face the Truth
If any of these points resonate with you, it’s time to take action. It’s time to stop hiding from the uncomfortable truths about your relationship and start doing the work to make it better. This is not about blaming yourself or your partner; it’s about recognizing that every relationship requires effort, honesty, and a willingness to grow.
As a relationship consultant, I’ve helped countless couples face these truths and come out stronger on the other side. If you’re ready to stop settling, to start being honest, and to truly know and prioritize your relationship, I encourage you to schedule an appointment with me today. Together, we can work through the challenges and build a relationship that’s not just good but truly great. Don’t wait until it’s too late—take the first step towards a healthier, happier relationship now.
Schedule your appointment today, and let’s start the journey towards a relationship that truly works.
