raquelplankIf you watched the presidential debate with Former President Donald Trump and Current Vice President Kamala Harris, you may be familiar with a claim that was made about illegal immigrants eating dogs and cats in Springfield, Ohio. Since, the debate, the Govenor of Ohio has confirmed that there have been zero cases of such a thing being reported. However, due to the claims, Springfield has experienced turmoil in the community as there have been threats of terrorism against their Haitian immigrant population.
So, why would such a horrific claim be made? The simple answer is racism. Our country has a long history of demonizing minorities for the personal gain of the elite.
Racism, at its core, is not a natural human instinct. It is learned behavior, passed down from one generation to the next, often without question or critique. In many families, racist ideologies are taught, reinforced, and normalized from childhood. This perpetuation of prejudice not only affects individuals but also seeps into our intimate relationships, our friendships, and the way we interact with the world.
As a relationship consultant, I’ve observed firsthand how deeply ingrained beliefs—especially those related to race and identity—shape the way we connect with others. It’s impossible to understand relationship dynamics without confronting the prejudices that exist within them. This means that you can’t just say “I don’t see color” or “I treat everyone the same.” You have to acknowledge that differences exist to be able to analyze and overcome them. The difficult truth is that many people are unaware of the racist underpinnings that shape their perceptions, interactions, and even who they choose to form relationships with.
When you are sitting at the table and being fed, you may not have the knowledge or perspective to be able to see that others at the table may not be getting fed or that there are people missing from the table all together.
In this post, I’ll explore how racist ideologies are passed down through families, how they show up in our personal lives, and what we can do to break the cycle for future generations.
Racism Starts at Home: The Power of Early Conditioning
Children aren’t born with racial biases. They enter the world with the capacity for love, curiosity, and acceptance. But from a young age, children observe and internalize the beliefs and behaviors of the adults around them—particularly their parents. If a child grows up in a household where racist language is used, where racial stereotypes are normalized, or where people of different races are viewed with suspicion or hostility, these messages become embedded in their psyche.
This early conditioning is often subtle, manifesting in the things parents say and do when they think children aren’t paying attention. A casual comment about a person of color being “lazy” or “dangerous,” a disapproving look when seeing an interracial couple, or even the avoidance of certain neighborhoods or schools because of their racial makeup sends a clear message: “People who look different are not to be trusted.” These moments build up over time, becoming the foundation of a child’s worldview.
Parents may not see themselves as overtly racist, but children are acutely aware of the contradictions between what is said and what is done. A parent may claim they believe in equality, but if their social circle is entirely white or they only date within their race, children learn that these beliefs are just rhetoric. The underlying message is that people who are different are to be kept at a distance.
The Impact of Generational Racism on Relationships
The racist ideologies passed down through generations don’t just affect how people view strangers or colleagues—they infiltrate personal relationships in profound ways. When someone grows up in a household that teaches racial superiority or inferiority, it influences their choices in partners, friends, and even how they parent.
In romantic relationships, racism can manifest as an aversion to dating outside one’s race or feeling pressure to conform to societal or familial expectations around racial purity. I’ve seen clients whose families reacted with hostility or rejection when they pursued interracial relationships, forcing them to choose between their partner and their family’s approval. This dynamic can create immense emotional stress and may lead individuals to suppress their desires for fear of alienation.
Even when a person is conscious of their family’s prejudices and actively seeks to challenge them, those deeply ingrained biases can still shape their relationships in ways they may not even realize. For example, someone who grew up hearing negative stereotypes about a particular race may unconsciously avoid forming close friendships with people from that group, even if they claim to believe in equality.
In parenting, generational racism can resurface when parents unknowingly pass down biased beliefs to their children. Perhaps a parent doesn’t directly use racist language, but their discomfort around people of color—or the homogeneity of their social group—sends a message that diversity is something to be feared or avoided. Children absorb these cues, and the cycle continues.
The Subtlety of Modern-Day Racism
One of the biggest challenges in confronting generational racism is its increasing subtlety. While overt acts of racism—such as racial slurs or discriminatory practices—are more easily condemned, subtle forms of racism are often harder to detect and challenge. Microaggressions, coded language, and seemingly “innocent” jokes all contribute to the normalization of racial biases.
In families, these subtle forms of racism are often rationalized or dismissed. Comments like “I’m not racist, but…” or “It’s just a joke” are used to downplay the seriousness of these beliefs. This kind of thinking teaches children that it’s acceptable to harbor racial biases as long as they’re not overt or “mean-spirited.”
But make no mistake: these subtle forms of racism are just as damaging as overt bigotry. They perpetuate harmful stereotypes, create divisions between people, and reinforce the idea that racial differences are a cause for judgment or fear. When these ideologies are passed down through generations, they become ingrained in the fabric of our society, making it harder for future generations to unlearn them.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Confront and Unlearn Generational Racism
So, how do we break this cycle of generational racism? The first step is acknowledging that it exists. Many people resist the idea that they’ve been influenced by racist beliefs, especially if they see themselves as “good” or “progressive.” But no one is immune to the influence of their upbringing, and it’s only by confronting these internalized beliefs that we can begin to change them.
Self-awareness is key. Ask yourself tough questions: What beliefs about race were you taught growing up? How did your family talk about people who looked different from you? What unspoken messages did you internalize about race and relationships? It’s important to examine these questions honestly and without defensiveness.
Once you’ve identified the racist beliefs that may have been passed down to you, the next step is actively working to unlearn them. This can be done through education, exposure, and intentional relationship-building. Engage with perspectives different from your own, challenge your biases, and seek out meaningful connections with people from diverse racial and cultural backgrounds. Doing so will help you dismantle the subconscious beliefs you may not have realized you held.
But the work doesn’t stop there. It’s equally important to break the cycle for future generations. If you’re a parent or plan to be one, you have a responsibility to ensure that your children don’t inherit the same harmful beliefs. This means being conscious of the language you use, the behaviors you model, and the environments you create. Encourage your children to celebrate diversity, engage in honest conversations about race, and challenge stereotypes when they encounter them.
Confronting Your Role in the Cycle of Racism
Racism doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it is perpetuated by individuals, families, and communities. As a relationship consultant, I urge you to examine your own role in this cycle. If you’ve recognized any of these patterns in your life, it’s time to take action.
If you’re ready to confront the generational racism that has shaped your relationships and want to break free from these harmful patterns, schedule an appointment today. Let’s work together to unlearn prejudices, heal from the past, and build more inclusive, equitable relationships.
The future of our relationships—and our society—depends on our willingness to do the difficult work of dismantling racism in ourselves and our families. It’s time to break the cycle.
P.S. By The Way
As you consider your costumes for Halloween this year, take a moment and consider if the costume is appropriate for 2024. If the costume is based on a culture that is not your own, don’t wear it. If the costume depicts a culture that is not your own in a negative light, don’t wear it. And for the love of everything, if you feel the need to change the color of your skin to dress up as a human* character, don’t do it!
* I emphasize human because I can just hear it now. ” What about painting myself blue like a Smurf or green like an alien.”
You are so creative. I am sure, out of the millions of ideas out there, you can find a costume that is fun to wear, looks great on you, and manages not to offend an entire culture of people.
